Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: ‘Is That on the Table? Why Wasn’t I Informed?!’

Big jock: We just need to give America back to the Muslims.

–Barceloneta Beach, Barcelona, Spain

Overheard by: Confesed Passerby

Well, Mary Was, Like, God’s Fifth Try

Girl: So, like, that Mary was too nice. I swear, if some angel came down and told me I was pregnant with God’s kid, I’d abort it. No immaculate conceptions for me.

–Santa Cruz, California

In the Same Way That Televangelists Heal

Little boy: Mom, Jewish people are from the desert, right?
Mom: Yeah.
Little boy: So why are they in Miami?
Mom: The beach is like a desert — with water, though.
Little boy: Oh. What about black people?
Mom: Sweetie, they’re just tan. They’re all just tan. Now go play. [pause] It’s like I’m healing the world.

–Miami, Florida

A+

Girl with textbook: What’s the capital of the United States?
Boy: Washington, DC?
Girl with textbook: How many eggs to a dozen?
Boy: 12?
Girl with textbook: Where are the Jews?
Boy: Long Island?

–New York

Poseidon Kicked His Ass at Grand Theft Auto

Little boy, standing in water: I CHALLENGE YOU, POSEIDON!

–Myrtle Beach, South Carolina

It Isn’t in the Bible, So It’s Not Real

Girl #1: I didn’t break any of the 10 Commandments today ’cause I was on a plane.
Girl #2: What’s a plane?

–Malibu, California

Story Of My Life, Ma’am.

Elderly woman wearing metal curlers, on cell: So I was masturbating to Human Centipede the other day, and it occurred to me I haven’t gone to mass in like, forever!

–Tampa, Florida

You’d Think If Anybody Was Pro-Life It Would Be God

Queer: So, like, let me get this straight. God got this lady pregnant and made her have a baby and then killed it so you could get away with whatever shit you wanted as long as you felt sorry?
Christian guy: Wow… I’ve never heard it put that way…
Queer: Sorry, I meant he killed him, it was a boy.

–Santa Cruz, California