Quick-walking woman leaving voice mail: Hey, it’s me. I need you to call me as soon as you get this. I have never wanted to chop someone’s dick off as much I as I do right now. He is a low-down lying piece of shit, and I hope he fucking dies. I mean, a fucking tractor-trailer could run his fucking sonofabitch ass over and I would be perfectly fine. Okay, talk to you soon, I love you!
–Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Unshaven surfer on cell: No, no, no! Do you want me to bring Schnitzel?
–Bondi Beach, Australia
Guy on cell: All you have to do is suck one cock and they’ll call you a cocksucker for the rest of your life.
–Venice Beach, California
Overheard by: Harell
Guy on cell: I don’t know, it may just be the chlamydia talking, though.
–Destin, Florida
Guy on cell: That was the first time I shit my pants in a while!
–Salem, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Laura Wilson
Girl on cell: Dude, you could buy a whole bag full of dildos, and he would never know.
–Oceanside, California
Overheard by: groovychica
Guy on cell: Dude, you gotta come down here…I’m about to jump in the ocean and scream at the universe and I want you to help me! (pause) Okay, yeah, send the brown people down.
–Miami Beach, Florida
Fake tanned, bleach blonde woman loudly into phone: I mean, have you seen Alice lately? Forget the Brazilian wax, she needs to have the whole South American!
–Manly Beach, Sydney
Overheard by: anotherpassenger
Girl on phone with guy friend: You know, my sister just got her tits done for her birthday… I don’t want you fucking her.
–Jones Beach, New York
Elderly woman wearing metal curlers, on cell: So I was masturbating to Human Centipede the other day, and it occurred to me I haven’t gone to mass in like, forever!
–Tampa, Florida
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist
