Mother to crying three-year-old: Billy, you need to work on your emotional fragility. Take a deep cleansing breath. You know, you are a sensitive and caring boy, and that's a strength. But right now it's a weakness and you need to stop it.
–Delaware
Archive for the ‘Moms’ Category
Mom is Really Good at Fixing Things around the Gingerbread House
Toddler pointing to cotton candy: I want that ice cream!
Mom: That’s not ice cream.
Toddler: What is it?
Mom: That’s insulation. It’s for your attic.
–Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Aaron
When Californian Children Are Born to Otherwise Normal Canadian Parents
Teenage girl in expensive yoga pants to meek mother: Move to France? Why the hell would I move to France? That's the dumbest thing I've heard you say in, like, forever. Stop trying to live your, like, stupid dreams and stuff through me!
–Coffee Shop in the Beach, Toronto, Canadia
Then What'll We Use to Sand the Boat?
Mom: Honey, what are you doing?
Daughter: Going under the umbrella, because I don’t want my butt to get parched.
–Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: Kara
Abraham Lincoln Told Me, Last Night
Little boy: Mommy, do you know this?
Mom: What, honey?
Little boy: Do you know this?
Mom: What, honey? I know everything.
Little boy: You're crazy.
Mom: Yeah, I knew this.
–Provincetown, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Just waiting for a lobster roll
…Unlike Your Soul.
Nagging mother to adult daughter, after sniping at her all afternoon: Your best attribute used to be your personality. But with the life you lead, now it's dead.
Adult daughter's husband, without looking up from newspaper: It's not dead, it's just asleep.
–Maguire's Landing, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: oysterwoman
It's Mostly a Pro Forma Request
Mom: Are you ready to go?
Little girl: No!
Mom: Okay, let’s go!
–Sarasota, Florida
Overheard by: wondering why she bothered to ask
And It's Making Me Feel All Funny, Like When I Climb a Rope in Gym Class
Son (looking at man in Speedo): Mom! Look at that man! He's wearing a bikini without a top!
–Long Island, New York
Critics Rave, "The Little Mersavior Is a Rollicking, Non-Canonical Laugh Riot"
Little girl to mom: The seaweed tickles! It's like Baby Jesus is underwater, tickling my feet himself!
–Vero Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Incredulous
Superhero Steely Dan Had a Modest Jamaican Boyhood
Boy: Mom! I want a wooden penis!
Mom: You have one already.
Boy: Then I want a metal penis!
Dad: Actually, that might come in handy.
–Dolphin Cove, Jamaica
Overheard by: bea arthur