Kid: Mom, how come the birds are wrestling each other?
Mom: They hate each other, that’s why.
–Children’s Beach, Nantucket, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I know why the caged bird sings
Archive for the ‘Moms’ Category
But If That's One Of the PTA Requirements…
Overweight mother: I don't want to be a gladiator!
–Ocean City, Maryland
I'll Just Go Back to Calling Her Fat
Mother to toddler: Baby, don’t cough like that. People are going to think you have TB, and then no one will want to be your friend! [To friend] I probably shouldn’t tell her that, should I?
Friend: Probably not. You’re going to give her a complex.
Mother: Shit.
–Panama Beach, Florida
10 Dollars Cancels Out a Lot of Strange
Mother: Danny, go ask those people for a lighter.
Son: Why, Mom?
Mother: So I can light my smoke, baby.
Son: I’m not your baby, and no! They are strange.
Mother: I’ll give you ten bucks.
Son: Okay!
–Shark’s Cove, Oahu, Hawaii
Overheard by: Hope
Honey, I Chummed the Kids
Crabby mom to sugared-up five-year-old: Fine! Tell your daddy I said you were shark bait. Just please sit down or, I swear to God, you will be!
–South Padre Island, Texas
Overheard by: airwav
Then That Toast You Made Me for Breakfast Was All Lies?
Mom to toddler: Do not take your bathing suit off! You can't walk around naked! We're not French!
–Ocean Beach, New Jersey
In the Same Way That Televangelists Heal
Little boy: Mom, Jewish people are from the desert, right?
Mom: Yeah.
Little boy: So why are they in Miami?
Mom: The beach is like a desert — with water, though.
Little boy: Oh. What about black people?
Mom: Sweetie, they’re just tan. They’re all just tan. Now go play. [pause] It’s like I’m healing the world.
–Miami, Florida
What Happens When New York Kids Are Exposed to Direct Sunlight
Mom, pushing crying three-year-old: You cannot cry here! Wait till we get back to New York, where it s snowing, to cry!
–Isla Verde, San Juan, Puerto Rico
Overheard by: i wanna cry too!
The Lord Generally Ignores Fast-Food Prayers
Walrusy pink tourist mom, juggling McDonald's bags and towels: Are those seagulls following us?
Dancing pink tourist toddler: I want hanka burger and French-ah fries!
(seagulls swoop over them, attacking the bags)
Dancing pink tourist, shrieking: Oh my god! My French-ah fries!
–St. Peterburg Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Sandy Paws
But Mummy, I'm Too Old to Nurse in Public!
British mother to young child: Either put it in your mouth or I'm giving it to charity!
–Miami Beach, Florida