Elderly woman wearing metal curlers, on cell: So I was masturbating to Human Centipede the other day, and it occurred to me I haven't gone to mass in like, forever!
–Tampa, Florida
Archive for the ‘Ladies’ Category
Only the Fantastic Four and the 22nd Amendment Could Keep BJ Billy Out of the White House
Woman in restaurant: I hear Clinton might run again. And there’s nothing to stop him!
–King’s Beach, Tahoe, Nevada
Overheard by: Spectater
She Thinks the War in Iraq Is Just Darling
Woman #1: Oh my goodness, you should see your daughter! It looks like she’s been stabbed; it’s the cutest thing.
Woman #2: Oh, really?
Woman #1: Yes! She’s been eating cherries, and the juice has run all down her front and all over her hands. It looks like she has blood all over her–it’s adorable!
–Old Orchard Beach, Maine
Overheard by: shawshank
How Men Learn Not to Confide in Women
Old lady #1: He told me he has never lasted more than three minutes with anyone!
Old lady #2: Really?? That poor, poor woman of his. No wonder she got a boob job and bites her nails so much.
–Virginia Beach, Virginia
Ugly Women Have to Strategize. It's a Fact of Life
Three women are standing outside of a bar.
Woman #1: Let’s go to Fred’s. It’s darker in there.
Women #2 and #3 nod in agreement, and they walk to Fred’s.
–Avalon, Jersey Shore
…According to That Cosmo Quiz
Over-tanned lady to beach bum eating plum: I would rather drink shower water than eat unwashed fruit.
–Ala Moana Center, Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: Jade Buddha
Mom Rates Them on the Same Scale As Figure-Skating
Lady in vehicle on cell: I mean, she wants to know everything, and it's really getting annoying, I'm like “mom, Jesus Christ, hey, I took a shit today, you want to know if it floated or if it sank?”
–Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Elise
Instead, How About 'Beano' or 'Drano'?
Woman: Instead of saying hello, we should say heaveno. Hello gives Satan powers.
–Toronto, Ontario
Overheard by: $ue
What Happened to Gray, Windowless Vans?
Really loud fat lady: Fat old guys drive nice cars to get with the young pretty girls.
–Public parking lot, Seaside, Oregon
Overheard by: Drewlicious
New Hampshire: The New Jersey of New England
Older woman: You don’t remember me, do you?
Young woman: Nope.
Older woman: You lived next door to me when you lived with your aunt in Salem!
Young woman: Salem?
Older woman: Salem, New Hampshire.
Young woman: I don’t have an aunt in Salem.
Older woman: Oh, come on, don’t you remember?
Young woman: I never lived in New Hampshire. I have lived in Maine my whole life.
Older woman, sarcastically: Yeah…Okay.
–Wells Beach, Maine
Overheard by: Vee-licious