Archive for the ‘Insults’ Category

Hap­pens Every Time She Watch­es The O’Reil­ly Fac­tor

Quick-walk­ing woman leav­ing voice mail: Hey, it’s me. I need you to call me as soon as you get this. I have nev­er want­ed to chop some­one’s dick off as much I as I do right now. He is a low-down ly­ing piece of shit, and I hope he fuck­ing dies. I mean, a fuck­ing trac­tor-trail­er could run his fuck­ing sono­fabitch ass over and I would be per­fect­ly fine. Okay, talk to you soon, I love you!

–Myr­tle Beach, South Car­oli­na

I Miss Her

Fa­ther point­ing to ocean: Hey, John, look at the dol­phins! [Sev­en-year-old boy looks around, not see­ing them.] You’re miss­ing them! You’re miss­ing them like you miss every­thing! You’re just like your moth­er!

–Re­hoboth Beach, Delaware

Over­heard by: Got to re­mem­ber that for when I am a par­ent

Last Night, I Woke Up and He Was Lick­ing My Ass!

Na­ture’s mishap: I can’t take off this tow­el.
Log­i­cal friend: Why? You do have some­thing on un­der that.
Na­ture’s mishap: Well, no.
Log­i­cal friend: What?! What hap­pened to your trunks? You did­n’t lose them in the wa­ter, did you?
Na­ture’s mishap: No…they’re just gone.
Log­i­cal friend, to an­oth­er guy: I can’t keep my eye off of John for one minute, can I, with­out him do­ing some­thing stu­pid?

–Long Beach, New York

’80s: Se­ri­ous­ly, Though

Chub­by twink: The ’80s called, they want their lip­stick back.
Chick in black with bright red lip­stick: Your boyfriend called, he thinks you’re fat.

Chub­by twink runs off cry­ing, chick in black lights a smoke.

–Wit­ty’s La­goon, British Co­lum­bia, Cana­dia

Over­heard by: sleep­less