70-year-old man at bar: I got prostate cancer back in the day, so I can lick 'em, but I can't dick 'em.
Almost legal girl: Oh? (laughs)
70-year-old man: You're very well-built for your age. (stares at girl's breasts) You wanna play pool with me?
–Palm Coast, Florida
Biker's lady to biker: He had this plastic bag of poison ivy and was rubbing it on his face…
–Point Pleasant, New Jersey
Kid, skateboarding in parking lot next door: I think those gummy worms gave me diarrhea.
–Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: Jen
Five-year-old pulling her bottom lip down: I have herpes!
–Seabrook Beach, New Hampshire
Guy: Yo, where's that sunscreen at?
Girl: You don't need any sunscreen, we're black, we have a natural SPF factor of 8.
–Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: KL
20-something girl #1: So everyone thinks that Nate gave Aric that hickey last night when they were joking around in the kitchen, and Brandon is kinda mad now, he already told Nate not to give other boys hickeys anymore.
20-something girl #2: Oh, poor Brandon, why does Nate do that?
20-something girl #1: Oh, that so wasn't what I was talking about, Nate didn't even do it!
20-something girl #2: What? How else would Aric have gotten it then? After the kitchen thing we all went to bed, didn't we?
20-something girl #1: Yes…
20-something girl #2: Wait, where did Aric sleep last night?
20-something girl #1: Um.
20-something girl #2: It was you! You hickeyed Aric! What are you, twelve?
–Sauble Beach, Ontario, Canada
Obnoxious girl #1: You must just have an abnormal period or something.
Obnoxious girl #2: Yeah, cause you're definitely not pregnant.
–Venice Beach, California
Overheard by: j and kris
Man #1: Hey, man, what you doing?
Man #2: Oh, nothing. Just watching this whore getting a customer across the street.
Man #1: Huh? How do you know she’s a whore?
Man #2: ‘Cause we’ve been standing here for about an hour and she’s been leaning against different cars talking, getting in, leaving, and coming back. Besides, she’s dressed like a whore.
Man #3: So are half the people here.
–Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Les
Older lady #1: You know they have a hot stone massage?
Older lady #2: Really?
Older lady #1: Yeah! It sounds really nice.
Older lady #2: Maybe we should get them! Then we can get shirts that say “I got stoned in Miami”
Older lady #1, laughing: We could.
Older lady #2: No, but I actually want to get them and wear that shirt.
–Elemis Spa, Miami Beach, Florida
Girl on phone: I have good news and bad news! The good news is I'm not pregnant. The bad news is I need new jeans!
–San Diego, California
Overheard by: Grossed out but laughing