Nudists Have Ways of Recognizing Each Other

Little boy: Dad, why does that girl have her swim suit straps down like that?
Dad: So she doesn’t get tan lines on her shoulders. Yup, if your mom had those I never would’ve married her.

–Maui, Hawaii

Overheard by: Mindygotback

…According to That Cosmo Quiz

Over-tanned lady to beach bum eating plum: I would rather drink shower water than eat unwashed fruit.

–Ala Moana Center, Honolulu, Hawaii

Overheard by: Jade Buddha

Okay, Assghanistan Is Not a Real Place

Girlfriend to boyfriend: Borat was from Kazakhstan–that's a real country!
Boyfriend: No it's not!
Girlfriend: Yes it is, it's over in the Eastern European area! You are so up your ass right now!

–Kaanapali Beach, Maui, Hawaii

Overheard by: Megan

I'll Defend Your Irrational Beliefs to the Death

Creepy guy: Yeah, so you're Mormon?
Army guy: Yeah. I am.
Creepy guy: Good man, I respect that. I'm Italian and Irish.

–Ala Moana Beach, Hawaii

Overheard by: trying to tan

They're the First Warning Signs of Congenital Stupidity

Little Miss Texas slathering on more baby oil: I don’t know why I’m gettin’ all these little wrinkles around my eyes, do y’all?

–Waikiki Beach, Hawaii

Anybody Still Worried about the Focus on Dead White Europeans in Schools?

Girl #1: We can go see the Kula botanical gardens.
Girl #2: Where on the island is it?
Girl #1, reading guidebook section: It’s in flora and fauna — I don’t know where that is.
Girl #2: Um… Flora and fauna means plants and animals, it isn’t a place on the map.
Girl #1: Well, I don’t speak Hawaiian so how was I supposed to know?

–Kihei, Maui, Hawaii

Overheard by: ispeakhawaiian

But I Resisted the Urge to Put My Nose on Him

Dirty old man to visibly terrified 20-something girl next to him: You know, as of today I am no longer on probation. Yep. You look good in shorts. I'm wearing pants cause I had to go to court today. (stops to make phone call) Hey, it's Steven*! Not on probation anymore! (hangs up without saying goodbye, turns back to girl) Right over there is where I went to school. Ten years old, then I quit. Mom used to have a dry clean right over there. No more. Ya know, over that building's the one my buddy sold and now it's a Hard Rock Cafe. A Hard Rock Cafe! Some years ago I saw Peter, Paul & Mary there. Ya know them? I used to date Mary. Wanted me to go to [unintelligible] with her. Never been there to this day. Been to South America, Africa, all over! Never done go to [unintelligible]. Alright, well, take care! (he gets off bus)
No longer terrified 20-something girl to random girl: He smelled like cocaine!

–Express Bus, Waikiki, Hawaii

Overheard by: mel

Her Vulvar Ring Is from Tiffany's

Girl #1: So, I was thinking about taking a picture of my yoo-hoo and framing it for my boyfriend this Christmas. Opinions?
Girl #2: I think you’re the classiest individual I’ve ever encountered.
Girl #1: You’re too kind.

–Waikiki beach, Honolulu, Hawaii

Call Me SaladShooter!

Burger eater to another: I ate so much salad yesterday I've got lettuce confetti flying out of my butt.

–Kailua-Kona, Hawaii

Overheard by: check please!

Unless You're Monty Python

Dude on cell: Falling in love with me and sitting on my face are two completely different things.