Archive for the ‘Drugs’ Category

But I Resisted the Urge to Put My Nose on Him

Dirty old man to visibly terrified 20-something girl next to him: You know, as of today I am no longer on probation. Yep. You look good in shorts. I’m wearing pants cause I had to go to court today. (stops to make phone call) Hey, it’s Steven*! Not on probation anymore! (hangs up without saying goodbye, turns back to girl) Right over there is where I went to school. Ten years old, then I quit. Mom used to have a dry clean right over there. No more. Ya know, over that building’s the one my buddy sold and now it’s a Hard Rock Cafe. A Hard Rock Cafe! Some years ago I saw Peter, Paul & Mary there. Ya know them? I used to date Mary. Wanted me to go to [unintelligible] with her. Never been there to this day. Been to South America, Africa, all over! Never done go to [unintelligible]. Alright, well, take care! (he gets off bus)
No longer terrified 20-something girl to random girl: He smelled like cocaine!

–Express Bus, Waikiki, Hawaii

Overheard by: mel

He’s a Full-Time Burnout

Girl with lower standards: I think you should go out with Spook. Yeah, I like him for you.
Girl with higher standards: He’s a drug dealer. Why would I want to date a drug dealer?
Girl with lower standards: He’s not a drug dealer.
Girl with higher standards: He sells me weed all the time.
Girl with lower standards: That’s just his part-time job.

–Cabbage Beach, Paradise Island, Bahamas

Translation: They Have the Best Coke

Dude #1: So, whatever happened to that stripper you were dating?
Dude #2: It’s over. I think it’s a bad idea to date strippers. You realize there’s a good reason they’re strippers, then it fucks it up every time you go back. It’s like, you look at these hotties and imagine all the possibilities, but now, after dating enough strippers, you realize the possibilities include consoling her drunk ass as she cries about being abused as a child while she lines up another rail of coke, then tells you her secret fantasy is to see you get nailed in the ass by another dude!
Dude #1: I still want to date one.
Dude #2: … Yeah, they’re fun.

–LaHaina’s, Mission Beach, California

Overheard by: sean