Archive for the ‘Dating’ Category

I’m Look­ing to Up­grade

Woman walk­er #1: I would nev­er go out with him–his head is huge, his clothes are al­ways wrin­kled, and he does­n’t show­er.
Woman walk­er #2: Ugh.
Woman walk­er #1: Be­sides, he smokes.
Woman walk­er #2: But you smoke, too!
Woman walk­er #1: I know, but I nev­er date smok­ers.

–Lake Mi­ra­mar, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: El Meech

Your Ed­i­tors Beg to Dif­fer

Guy #1: What hap­pened to the girl you were see­ing in Phoenix?
Guy #2: She broke up with me be­cause I had too much bag­gage.
Guy #3: Wait! Was that the anorexic/bulimic with de­pres­sion that was hooked on painkillers and ec­sta­sy?
Guy #2: Yep.
Guy #1: You ever fuck her while she threw up?
Guy #2: You’re a sick fuck. (long pause) Yeah.
Guy #3: There is so much wrong with this con­ver­sa­tion.

–Pa­cif­ic Beach, Cal­i­for­nia

They Seem So Happy…Oh, Wait…

Teen girl #1: Oh, I’m so hap­py for Can­dice!* She fi­nal­ly has a nor­mal boyfriend!
Teen girl #2: Oh, that’s nice…Wait, is it that 29-year-old E deal­er you guys met at that rave in Chill­i­wack?
Teen girl #1: Yes!

Long pause.

Teen girl #1: Well, it’s nor­mal for her, I guess.

–Eng­lish Bay, Van­cou­ver, British Co­lum­bia

But I Re­sist­ed the Urge to Put My Nose on Him

Dirty old man to vis­i­bly ter­ri­fied 20-some­thing girl next to him: You know, as of to­day I am no longer on pro­ba­tion. Yep. You look good in shorts. I’m wear­ing pants cause I had to go to court to­day. (stops to make phone call) Hey, it’s Steven*! Not on pro­ba­tion any­more! (hangs up with­out say­ing good­bye, turns back to girl) Right over there is where I went to school. Ten years old, then I quit. Mom used to have a dry clean right over there. No more. Ya know, over that build­ing’s the one my bud­dy sold and now it’s a Hard Rock Cafe. A Hard Rock Cafe! Some years ago I saw Pe­ter, Paul & Mary there. Ya know them? I used to date Mary. Want­ed me to go to [un­in­tel­li­gi­ble] with her. Nev­er been there to this day. Been to South Amer­i­ca, Africa, all over! Nev­er done go to [un­in­tel­li­gi­ble]. Al­right, well, take care! (he gets off bus)
No longer ter­ri­fied 20-some­thing girl to ran­dom girl: He smelled like co­caine!

–Ex­press Bus, Waiki­ki, Hawaii

Over­heard by: mel