Archive for the ‘Crime’ Category

But I Resisted the Urge to Put My Nose on Him

Dirty old man to visibly terrified 20-something girl next to him: You know, as of today I am no longer on probation. Yep. You look good in shorts. I'm wearing pants cause I had to go to court today. (stops to make phone call) Hey, it's Steven*! Not on probation anymore! (hangs up without saying goodbye, turns back to girl) Right over there is where I went to school. Ten years old, then I quit. Mom used to have a dry clean right over there. No more. Ya know, over that building's the one my buddy sold and now it's a Hard Rock Cafe. A Hard Rock Cafe! Some years ago I saw Peter, Paul & Mary there. Ya know them? I used to date Mary. Wanted me to go to [unintelligible] with her. Never been there to this day. Been to South America, Africa, all over! Never done go to [unintelligible]. Alright, well, take care! (he gets off bus)
No longer terrified 20-something girl to random girl: He smelled like cocaine!

–Express Bus, Waikiki, Hawaii

Overheard by: mel

This Time Jesus Turns the Beer into Fanta Grape

Cop: All right, what’s in the cup?
Young guy: Uh, beer.
Cop: I asked you what’s in the cup. Now give it to me.
Young guy: I just told you, it’s beer!
Cop: You do know it’s illegal to be drinking on the boardwalk, right?
Young guy: It’s soda.
Cop: It’s beer. Give it to me.
Young guy: No! It’s mine!

Young guy runs off with cup.

–Seaside Heights, New Jersey

Overheard by: also kinda drunk

He's a Full-Time Burnout

Girl with lower standards: I think you should go out with Spook. Yeah, I like him for you.
Girl with higher standards: He’s a drug dealer. Why would I want to date a drug dealer?
Girl with lower standards: He’s not a drug dealer.
Girl with higher standards: He sells me weed all the time.
Girl with lower standards: That’s just his part-time job.

–Cabbage Beach, Paradise Island, Bahamas