Pale nerd to posse: So I took out my super big blue Chakra shotgun and I said…
–Seal Beach, California
Archive for the ‘Crime’ Category
Can You Get One Against Freddy Krueger?
Older man: Look, if you’re really worried about it…
Younger woman, with full mouth: I am! I’m having trouble sleeping.
Older man: Then you should get a restraining order.
–Beach Footpath, Australia
Overheard by: I Wish I Heard the Start
Nude Beach Brain Teaser
Wife: Frank, you heard about the 11 second rule?
Husband, staring at hot nude chick nearby: What?
Wife: The 11 second rule. If the cops catch you staring at breasts for more than 11 seconds, you have to go to jail.
Husband: No way.
Wife: And keep in mind, there are lots of gay men on this beach.
–Race Point Nude Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
But I Resisted the Urge to Put My Nose on Him
Dirty old man to visibly terrified 20-something girl next to him: You know, as of today I am no longer on probation. Yep. You look good in shorts. I’m wearing pants cause I had to go to court today. (stops to make phone call) Hey, it’s Steven*! Not on probation anymore! (hangs up without saying goodbye, turns back to girl) Right over there is where I went to school. Ten years old, then I quit. Mom used to have a dry clean right over there. No more. Ya know, over that building’s the one my buddy sold and now it’s a Hard Rock Cafe. A Hard Rock Cafe! Some years ago I saw Peter, Paul & Mary there. Ya know them? I used to date Mary. Wanted me to go to [unintelligible] with her. Never been there to this day. Been to South America, Africa, all over! Never done go to [unintelligible]. Alright, well, take care! (he gets off bus)
No longer terrified 20-something girl to random girl: He smelled like cocaine!
–Express Bus, Waikiki, Hawaii
Overheard by: mel
I Didn’t Slap You, I High-Fived Your Face
Dude: I didn’t steal the Bentley. I hijacked it.
Girl: [Slaps him.]
–Oean Isle, North Carolina
I Fought the Law…and the Fight Was Postponed
Burly guy: One good thing about this trip: at least it ain’t Jersey.
Girlfriend: Jersey’s not that bad!
Burly guy: Easy for you to say, there’s not a warrant out for you there.
–Revere Beach, Revere, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Staying far away from this guy…
He’s a Full-Time Burnout
Girl with lower standards: I think you should go out with Spook. Yeah, I like him for you.
Girl with higher standards: He’s a drug dealer. Why would I want to date a drug dealer?
Girl with lower standards: He’s not a drug dealer.
Girl with higher standards: He sells me weed all the time.
Girl with lower standards: That’s just his part-time job.
–Cabbage Beach, Paradise Island, Bahamas
This Time Jesus Turns the Beer into Fanta Grape
Cop: All right, what’s in the cup?
Young guy: Uh, beer.
Cop: I asked you what’s in the cup. Now give it to me.
Young guy: I just told you, it’s beer!
Cop: You do know it’s illegal to be drinking on the boardwalk, right?
Young guy: It’s soda.
Cop: It’s beer. Give it to me.
Young guy: No! It’s mine!
Young guy runs off with cup.
–Seaside Heights, New Jersey
Overheard by: also kinda drunk
They Slice, They Dice, They Make Julienne Cousin!
Man, carrying two hands full of knives: Knives for sale! Knives for sale! 100 dollars! Getting tired of your brother, your cousin, your mother-in-law? Knives for sale! You feeling suicidal? Knives! Knives for sale! 100 dollars!
–Montego Bay, Jamaica
Overheard by: Elle
The Canadian Version Of The Hills Is Infinitely More Entertaining
Skinny drunk girl with dense philosophy textbook: I like peeing when necessary, I like peeing when unnecessary. Whenever, wherever. As long as I get arrested for it, that’s all I ask. Is that too much to ask?
–Jericho Beach, Vancouver, Canadia
Overheard by: Jericho
