Archive for the ‘Compliments’ Category

Yeah, Congratulations on Having Unprotected Prison Sex

Girl #1: Hey! I’m suprised you’re even alive after last night!
Girl #2: Barely…and if Sharon realizes that there is a two-hour period where she doesn’t know where Aaron and I were, Rikki’s gonna be really mad… She’s already mad and she has no idea what happened.
Girl #1: What? Why, what the hell happened when I went to bed?
Girl #2: Well, Sharon thinks Aaron and I were just cuddling since it was such a small bed we were sharing and that I just felt bad that he had to sleep on the floor, but Rikki is really convinced we hooked up.
Girl #1: Well, did you?
Girl #2: Obviously, but we were in Dan’s room instead, so she doesn’t even know what she’s talking about… Wait, you’re not mad I hooked up with him, are you?
Girl #1: God, no! I’m proud that you managed to do it in a cottage that small and no one knew! I was against your wall and I had no idea! High five!

–Wasaga Beach, Canadia

Overheard by: I’m Proud Too

When He’s Being Nice to Me He Puts Out Cigarettes on My Arm

Guy: You look really hot in that bikini.
Girl #1: I’m not really in the mood for flirting today so why don’t you just buy me a lemon ice, I’ll pretend I like you, and we’ll both be on our way.
Guy, as he walks away: Bitch.
Girl #2, walking up to her: Wasn’t that your boyfriend?
Girl #1: Yeah. I’m so tired of him being a dick all the time.

Guy comes back with a lemon ice.

–Boardwalk, Jones Beach, New York

Overheard by: Batwon

But I Resisted the Urge to Put My Nose on Him

Dirty old man to visibly terrified 20-something girl next to him: You know, as of today I am no longer on probation. Yep. You look good in shorts. I’m wearing pants cause I had to go to court today. (stops to make phone call) Hey, it’s Steven*! Not on probation anymore! (hangs up without saying goodbye, turns back to girl) Right over there is where I went to school. Ten years old, then I quit. Mom used to have a dry clean right over there. No more. Ya know, over that building’s the one my buddy sold and now it’s a Hard Rock Cafe. A Hard Rock Cafe! Some years ago I saw Peter, Paul & Mary there. Ya know them? I used to date Mary. Wanted me to go to [unintelligible] with her. Never been there to this day. Been to South America, Africa, all over! Never done go to [unintelligible]. Alright, well, take care! (he gets off bus)
No longer terrified 20-something girl to random girl: He smelled like cocaine!

–Express Bus, Waikiki, Hawaii

Overheard by: mel

…Unlike Your Soul.

Nagging mother to adult daughter, after sniping at her all afternoon: Your best attribute used to be your personality. But with the life you lead, now it’s dead.
Adult daughter’s husband, without looking up from newspaper: It’s not dead, it’s just asleep.

–Maguire’s Landing, Cape Cod, Massachusetts

Overheard by: oysterwoman