One Day You, Too, Can Be a Douchebag!

Out-of-shape 50-something customer: I don’t know, the guys I see riding fixed-gear bikes are in really good shape.
20-something bike salesman: That shouldn’t intimidate you; it should inspire you.

–Sag Harbor, New York

Overheard by: the lerpa

“Book Smart,” I Should’ve Said

Woman to another, trying to get support to protect the seals: Yeah, my daughter’s friend wants to be a marine biologist. She is so smart.
Daughter’s friend, in confused voice: Hey, I got gum on my camera.

–Children’s Beach, La Jolla, California

Time to Invest in a Bathtub?

Dude: This beach trip has been so awesome!
Chick: We’ve been here all week, and you haven’t walked down to the beach once.
Dude: Yeah, but it’s great to just sit around, drink, and get high.
Chick: You do that at home.
Dude: But I can see the water from the window. At home all I see is the parking lot.

–Nags Head, North Carolina

She Got Some Dead Girl’s Old Breast Implants

Waiter to customer: Sir, you just missed her. She looks hotter. She just got a transplant.

–South Padre Island, Texas

I Hear that’s Why Hemingway Stayed for So Long

Elderly lady: Come now, y’all! Key West is gonna be loads of fun! They gots the Ripley’s and Cuban people!

–Lido deck, The Carnival Glory, Key West

Overheard by: y’all need an icepack on dat thang?

…And, to Be Fair, I Now Know More About Female Anatomy Than You’ll Ever Know

Boy: Man, I can’t believe she’s studying, on a Sunday! What a loser.
Girl’s voice, yelling from inside house: I can still hear you…

–Gold Coast, Australia

But the Hermaphrodites I’ll Leave Alone

Girl to younger boy: You’re going to be a real lady killer when you’re older.
Younger boy: I’ll kill men, too. I don’t care.

–Ocean City, Maryland

Overheard by: Brittney

We Could Call Ourselves ‘The Circle Jerks’ — Unless that’s Taken

Shirtless meathead #1: This is awesome. We should start a shirts-off club.
Shirtless meathead #2: Yeah. We could call it ‘Shirtless in Seattle.‘
Shirtless meathead #3: But we don’t live in Seattle. 

–Dewey Beach, Delaware

Hope You’re Studying up for Thursday’s Dung-Flinging Quiz

Professor to group of girls covered in whitish goo: What happened to you?
Girl #1: Egg sac war.
Girl #2 and Girl #3: Yeah.
Professor: … Ugh.
Guy: I love this class.

–Fort DeSoto Beach, Florida

Overheard by: There’s nothing like lab in the field

If the Potential Margin of Error Is More Than 20 Lbs, She Isn’t Cute

Carnie kid: Yo, my friend over there thinks you’re cute.
Girl: Uh… okay.
Carnie kid: He wants to guess your weight.

–Coney Island, New York

Overheard by: carnie lover