Man: It was really impressive to do that with vegetables.
–Weymouth, Dorset, United Kingdom
Overheard by: Carolyn & Clare
Archive for the ‘Compliments’ Category
Omagah, Except for Now!
Blond waitress to patron: I’m like one of those, you know. The kind that don’t make mistakes.
–Santa Monica Pier, Santa Monica, California
Okay, Maybe It was Every Day, in Our Great Big Rubber Bed
White chick with dreads: Yeah, I used to pee on my best friend all the time… Well, I guess it was really just one time, but we peed on each other. I was sitting on her lap and I was laughing really hard, and I was like, ‘Oh I have to pee,’ but then I thought it’d be even funnier, so I just let it go. Later she tackled me in the water and peed on me. It was kinda nice — like, really warm.
–Pickerel Lake, Michigan
Overheard by: Maude Lynne
It’s Not the Content But the Style That Suggests This Kid Has a Future in Musical Theater
Small boy, carrying bag: Fudge! The wonderful joy of fudge!
–Bethany Beach, Delaware
Mom: This Can of Refuse is Called ‘Pizza,’ Billy. It’s a Special Treat!
Little boy: I like pizza!
Older guy: Me too.
Little boy: I eat pizza in a garbage pail!
–Sun & Surf Beach Club, Atlantic Beach, New York
Overheard by: Kristen
Joe Francis’s Spidey Sense Is Tingling
College girl #1: You’re a total slut in college. I love it.
College girl #2: I know! I didn’t get to be one in high school — I’m making up for lost slut time.
–Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
At the Cultural Stereotype Quarterfinals
Perfect guido #1, intensely: Yo, bro, there is no way dat your granmudda’s meatballs are better dan my granmudda’s meatballs.
Perfect guido #2: Alright, bro, I’ll give you dat much. But my granmudda’s marinara sauce will blow your granmudda’s outta da saucepan.
–Jones Beach, New York
I Love a Girl Who Can Handle Her Balls
70-year-old man at bar: I got prostate cancer back in the day, so I can lick ’em, but I can’t dick ’em.
Almost legal girl: Oh? (laughs)
70-year-old man: You’re very well-built for your age. (stares at girl’s breasts) You wanna play pool with me?
–Palm Coast, Florida
12-Year-Old Boys
Woman #1: Italian men make the best lovers.
Woman #2: Why?
Woman #1: They have lots of stamina. They last longer and their penises are bigger.
Woman #2: What’s the opposite of that?
–Wellfleet, Massachusetts
You’re Barefoot, Amy
Sober girl: You have no idea what’s going on!
Drunk blonde: Yes I do! I am still totally relevant to what is going on!
Sober girl: Wait, what?
Drunk blonde: Oh, relevant of! Relevant of what is going on!… Aren’t these shoes sexy?
–Santa Barbara, California
