Archive for the ‘Assholes’ Category

Shel­by Went Kayak­ing With the Prince of Dark­ness and Had a Com­par­a­tive­ly Love­ly Time

Moth­er, loud­ly: Oh my God, get over here! Turn around!
Teen daugh­ter: What! What’s on me?!
Moth­er: A stretch mark! That’s what! Right there on your hip! You have got to lay off the chips! We are on va­ca­tion here. You should­n’t be stress-eat­ing!
Teen daugh­ter: Mom! Shut up! Peo­ple can hear you.
Moth­er: No, no one is lis­ten­ing, and be­sides, they can all see it, too.
Kayak­ing in­struc­tor: Does every­one have their life vests on? Good now I’d like you all to pair up, and for this first run we are go­ing to pair up with some­one you don’t know.
Daugh­ter: Thank God!
Moth­er: What?

–Bayville, New Jer­sey

When He’s Be­ing Nice to Me He Puts Out Cig­a­rettes on My Arm

Guy: You look re­al­ly hot in that biki­ni.
Girl #1: I’m not re­al­ly in the mood for flirt­ing to­day so why don’t you just buy me a lemon ice, I’ll pre­tend I like you, and we’ll both be on our way.
Guy, as he walks away: Bitch.
Girl #2, walk­ing up to her: Was­n’t that your boyfriend?
Girl #1: Yeah. I’m so tired of him be­ing a dick all the time.

Guy comes back with a lemon ice.

–Board­walk, Jones Beach, New York

Over­heard by: Bat­won