Shelby Went Kayaking With the Prince of Darkness and Had a Comparatively Lovely Time

Mother, loudly: Oh my God, get over here! Turn around!
Teen daughter: What! What’s on me?!
Mother: A stretch mark! That’s what! Right there on your hip! You have got to lay off the chips! We are on vacation here. You shouldn’t be stress-eating!
Teen daughter: Mom! Shut up! People can hear you.
Mother: No, no one is listening, and besides, they can all see it, too.
Kayaking instructor: Does everyone have their life vests on? Good now I’d like you all to pair up, and for this first run we are going to pair up with someone you don’t know.
Daughter: Thank God!
Mother: What?

–Bayville, New Jersey

What Would It Cost to Rent It?

40-something guy: So, what do you do for a living?
Chick in bikini: Oh, I have a long list of things…
40-something guy: Stripper?
Chick in bikini, hardly offended: Do I look like I have the body of a stripper?
40-something guy: That’s why I asked.

–Palm Beach, Florida

That Makes Sense; I Never Jerk Off on Bad Hair Days

Man: Get rid of your mustache, and then worry about the Brazilian.
Woman: Get some hair on your head, and then go fuck yourself.

–Jersey Shore, New Jersey

Overheard by: Mike

Something I Probably Would Never Do in Front of You

Boyfriend to girlfriend’s underage sister: Want a beer? [Girlfriend and little sister stare at him.] What? It’s not like I asked her to blow me.

–Treasure Island Beach, Florida

Overheard by: Sara

Did That Guy Seem Juiced Up to You?

Skinny, half naked black guy wearing purple booty shorts: “do you guys do drugs?“
College kids: “no…“
Black guy: “oh I do…I’m a drug addict. Yeah, I just came from a rave, there are some crazy people out there! Why are y’all sitting here in the middle of venice beach? It gets dangerous here at night!“
College kid (holding an orange): “well, I’m strapped, so…“
Black guy: “is that an orange? Can I have it?” (takes orange and walks away).

–Venice Beach

Overheard by: Keidi

Calm Down, Feminists, He’s Just Tara’s Plastic Surgeon

Guy to friend: If they’re not Tara Reid, I don’t want to see their tits.

–Myrtle Beach, South Carolina

American-Flag Speedos Are Never Okay

Tall guy to sweaty friend: Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but you are wrong.

–Rosarito, Mexico

Overheard by: KJ

Is “Einstein” a Position?

Guy (sarcastically): You’re like the smartest person I know. You’re practically einstein.
Girl: I… Don’t really get sex jokes.

–Bethany Beach

Overheard by: upgrade

And Her Dad’s Probably One of the Seagulls

White trash 7 year old, chasing seagulls: Varmits! Get away, you varmits!
Man: Does she mean varmints?
Woman: She’s from Indiana. That 10 year old next to her who is throwing the shovel at the seagulls is probably her mother.

–Indiana Dunes National Park

Where Reality Show Contestants Come From: Explained.

20-something guy: If someone offered you a thousand dollars to let them break your leg, would you say yes? I would. I’d say “hell yeah, break that shit in half!”

–Siesta Key, Florida

Overheard At The Beach

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