Three-year-old girl, swaying her hips: Mommy, do I look like a teenager?
–Fire Island, New York
Archive for the ‘Age and ageing’ Category
But Then You Could Tuck Your Shorts under Them
Teen chick #1: I might want boobs like that.
Teen chick #2: Yeah, but then they’d get old and saggy.
–Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: I.S.
It Would Have Had the Same Effect on My Cock
Chick: I don’t know why you wanted to come to a nudist beach… It’s all old, gay, wrinkled men here. They’re all staring at me and the water is so cold — you look teeny.
Dude: I know, I should have just had you walk around naked at home.
–Gunnison Beach, Sandy Hook, New Jersey
Seventeen is Impressive, Yet Believable. 20 is Just Silly
Boy #1: Are you gonna use your real age or your fake age?
Boy #2: I’m gonna say I’m 20.
Boy #1: Fuck that! I’m saying 17.
Boy #3: I’m so wasted I can hardly ride my bike.
–Foster Avenue Beach, Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Beach Comber
It Said It Was a Leprechaun, Here to Grant Wishes
Blonde in bikini #1: She said she made eye contact with it three times.
Older man reading magazine: It was a five-year-old. That’s what kids do.
Blonde in bikini #2: It was definitely not a five-year-old.
–Scarborough Beach, Rhode Island
What Kind Of Example Are You Setting?
Angry father, trying to climb into boat with son: Turn off the fucking engine, man! I’ve got a fucking five-year-old here! Jesus, use your fucking head!
–The Hamptons, New York
New Hampshire: The New Jersey of New England
Older woman: You don’t remember me, do you?
Young woman: Nope.
Older woman: You lived next door to me when you lived with your aunt in Salem!
Young woman: Salem?
Older woman: Salem, New Hampshire.
Young woman: I don’t have an aunt in Salem.
Older woman: Oh, come on, don’t you remember?
Young woman: I never lived in New Hampshire. I have lived in Maine my whole life.
Older woman, sarcastically: Yeah…Okay.
–Wells Beach, Maine
Overheard by: Vee-licious
But I Resisted the Urge to Put My Nose on Him
Dirty old man to visibly terrified 20-something girl next to him: You know, as of today I am no longer on probation. Yep. You look good in shorts. I’m wearing pants cause I had to go to court today. (stops to make phone call) Hey, it’s Steven*! Not on probation anymore! (hangs up without saying goodbye, turns back to girl) Right over there is where I went to school. Ten years old, then I quit. Mom used to have a dry clean right over there. No more. Ya know, over that building’s the one my buddy sold and now it’s a Hard Rock Cafe. A Hard Rock Cafe! Some years ago I saw Peter, Paul & Mary there. Ya know them? I used to date Mary. Wanted me to go to [unintelligible] with her. Never been there to this day. Been to South America, Africa, all over! Never done go to [unintelligible]. Alright, well, take care! (he gets off bus)
No longer terrified 20-something girl to random girl: He smelled like cocaine!
–Express Bus, Waikiki, Hawaii
Overheard by: mel
And He Reads at the 37-Year-Old Level
Papi #1: Oh, he’s so nice! You know, he’s 36, but he doesn’t look any older than 34!
Papi #2: That’s hot.
Translated from the Spanish
–Miami Beach, Florida
No More Family Reunions for You, Missy
20-something girl #1: So everyone thinks that Nate gave Aric that hickey last night when they were joking around in the kitchen, and Brandon is kinda mad now, he already told Nate not to give other boys hickeys anymore.
20-something girl #2: Oh, poor Brandon, why does Nate do that?
20-something girl #1: Oh, that so wasn’t what I was talking about, Nate didn’t even do it!
20-something girl #2: What? How else would Aric have gotten it then? After the kitchen thing we all went to bed, didn’t we?
20-something girl #1: Yes…
20-something girl #2: Wait, where did Aric sleep last night?
20-something girl #1: Um.
20-something girl #2: It was you! You hickeyed Aric! What are you, twelve?
–Sauble Beach, Ontario, Canada
